In their recent article "Why Wal-Mart's sales should have everyone worried" on CNNMoney.com, contributing writer Kit R. Roane talks about the large retailers recent decline in sales as an economic indicator of the nations health, citing that many of the "Wal-Mart Demographic" can't get to the store because they can't afford the gas. Even the CEO of Wal-Mart's rival Target, Gregg Steinhafel, is bracing for shaky times and "occasional setbacks".
Roane states that given this plus the facts that currently 40% of the current surge in retail sales are due in part to 20% of the wealthiest Americans and that there is more money to spend with more people walking away from their homes, "You can't build a sustainable consumer-led economy with that kind of material. And the setbacks mentioned by Steinhafel could be more prolonged if the Wal-Mart demographic doesn't start putting more skin in the game."
With this in mind, I wanted to offer some helpful tips to the Wal-Mart Demographic (and you know who you people are) to put more "skin in the game" to kick-start this economy back to its former grandeur:
1.) Stay in your homes: Follow the example of the politicians you elected and those CEOs of large corporations who pay them and "stay the course" - you don't see them running away from their failed enterprises, do you? Remember...home running is for baseball players only and a captain always goes down with his ship.
2.) Look at alternative methods of transportation: So you can no longer take your Hummer out for a Sunday drive. Consider buddying-up with your neighbor (the one with the roomy Honda Civic and three kids) and carpool. This way you share the cost of gas, the experience and the whining kids. Another idea is to find a Wal-Mart close to your local hospital. A quick call to 911, a fake heart attack or aneurysm and one ambulance ride will get you close (at least one way). You may just have to hike back to the hospital and call a sympathetic friend or family member to pick you up. I suggest explaining the new George Foreman grill, the abdominator, the over the toilet rack and the ficus tree as "convalescence gifts".
3.) Look at alternative food sources: By now you might be asking, "Adam...all this advice is priceless, but if I'm doing my part to feed the U.S. economy how do I feed my family?" I suggest hunting. For too long it's been only for sport, but consider it's origins...hunting began as a means for people to feed themselves. And, no...I don't expect city-dwellers to break set their bows and arrows upon any 12-point bucks - one must look at the food sources around. I have often referred to pigeons as "city chickens" and there is certainly a reason why. Rats and cockroaches are abundant in cities and if they can eat them on TV shows like Survivor, we can too.
For those vegetarians out there, I humbly submit dirt as an alternative food source. Speaking of "source", think of the delicious fruits and vegetables you eat...from where do they get their nutrients? From the minerals in the soil! CAUTION: residents in the gulf states may want to wash all soil of crude oil first before eating.
Lastly, although it is taboo, there is something to be said for cannibalism. In fact many of the tribes that still practice cannibalism see the eating of ones enemy as a doorway to taking their power. And who holds the real power in the United States? That's right...politicians and CEOs of large corporations. I understand folks from the banking and oil industries are particularly tasty and ripe after record-breaking profitable quarters. Keep in mind the old adage...nothing says "thank you" more than eating the ones that made this all possible.
So the next time the economy gets you down, keep in mind that we all must do our part to help it along. I believe that our greatest president, George W. Bush, when faced with the beginnings of our current economic decline stated that the American People were among the most resourceful in the world and that we can pull out of these tough times.
So to all the growing members of the Wal-Mart demographic, I urge you to get off your cellulite-laden backsides, put your tin foil-lined thinking caps, get innovative and get to your local Wal-Mart store as quickly as possible. Let's get this economy jump-started while we have a fighting chance...
...and if one of you can pick me up at the hospital on the way before my "ulcer" starts "acting up" again, that would be great.
- Adam
For no apparent reason whatsoever, I am including one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite bands, Jethro Tull.
Started as a blues rock foursome in 1967 by guitarist/flutist Ian Anderson, the band gained prominence in the 1970's with their unique sound labeled as progressive rock and their 1971 album, Aqualung.
From progressive rock in the early Seventies to folk rock in the late Seventies, the song "Dun Ringill" (a reference to the Iron Age Scottish fort located on the Isle of Skye) from the album Stormwatch is both melodic and foreboding.
Although released in 1979, the video was made in 1981.
Enjoy!
Jethro Tull - Dun Ringill
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