Clients From Hell: Bullies, Whiners, Wasters and Weasels

Clients From Hell: Bullies, Whiners, Wasters and Weasels

Mad Marketers:

There are several categories of creatures (as my colleague Mark Blankenship, of Gist Video, would say, "Who's who in the zoo.") who should never be considered as "clients" or "customers" -- either of these terms carries far too much dignity, and infers too much possible commercial viability to be even distantly applied to any of these special groups of "people" (quotation marks are deliberate, and used in a most sarcastic manner).

Here they are. Learn to recognize them. Learn to either triumph over their manipulative ways or to extricate yourself with dignity.

BULLIES

A bully is a client who usually wants you to work on a completely speculative basis, without paying you any fees or without even covering your expenses. The bully usually has an unfinanceable business which needs financing, an unpromotable product which needs promotion, or some other manner of a "pig in a poke." A bully wants you to work for free...even more audaciously, he (or she) tells you that he or she is presenting you with a great opportunity to make a name for yourself, build a track record for yourself, make some swell contacts or some other non-financial, nebulous sack of malodorous horse cakes.

The bully will usually start by saying that you're "small," "new," "unproven," or somesuch in order to make you look and feel small, amateur, unprofessional and disadvantaged. He or she needs to put you in a low self-perceived position in order to increase his or her apparent status, importance, and significance to you. A bully puts you down in order to hoist himselfor herself up. If a bully is successful, you'll feel desperate to take on a ridiculous assignment on a very tenuous basis.

Be assured that the bully wouldn't pull this line of zeitscheiss (a Lingovation) with anyone whom he or she believed was a professional, as a real  professional always gets paid for his or her time.

Try getting your cardiac surgeon, or dentist, or lawyer or accountant to work on "spec" so that he or she will "have the benefit of getting some needed experience" while doing your bypass surgery, root canal, estate plan or tax return...you will be looked at with disbelief (as in "How dare you even question my professionalism and competence? Go find someone else, you bum!").

If a prospective client or customer starts by telling you what a wonderful blessing it would be for you or your business to serve his or her needs, especially without paying you your customary fee (you should just "waive" that fee, little fella!), do not argue. Do not justify or explain yourself. Do not look down at your shoes. Nope.

Look the bully straight in the eye (if he's a cyclops, this is twice as easy), and 1) indicate that you are only slightly offended by his/ her audacity, inference and ignorance; 2) that you have policies for which you make no exception; and 3) that you wish him/ her the very best of luck. End it there, and walk out. Don't spend time dignifying an insult -- use some quick, dismissive verbal jiu jitsu, and leave the bully speechless. By the way, if this imbecile should ever return to you and express a new-found willingness to pay your fee and expenses, either say that you are "booked up," or that you fee schedule has gone up dramatically due to the global economy, higher insurance premiums or climatic change. Have some fun. I won't tell.

WHINERS

We are usually referred a whiner through some innocent or uninformed but well-intended mutual acquaintenance. They will proceed to regale you with a tearful and embittered litany of how many times they've been taken advantage of, how no one has even delivered what they've promised, how they been "burned" and "taken advantage of" many, many times before.

Nod your head in somber agreement, and then excuse yourself (I either stage a seizure right at the table, or I explain in a gasping, out-of-breath fashion, while clenching my legs together, that I must run due to a terrible intestinal virus). Forget this "customer" or "client" -- you will never be able to heal or satisfy this wounded soul. In fact, if you go further, you'll ultimately end up being "just another so-and-so" who take advantage of this person. DO NOT ENGAGE.

WASTERS

Wasters love to spend a great deal of time"discussing" things with you, "picking your brain", "or trying to pry loose some free advice or effort rather than getting down to business. They want you to invest your time and energy in their transaction or proposition to get you emotionally obligated while learning as much as they can without paying you tuition. They sometimes flatter you (as well as they "pump" their special company or project) just to get more of your time and your attention. They mix business and a shallow form of friendship in order to justify their consumption of your time, and to try to make you feel a tad guilty about charging them for your precious time.

Draw boundaries in terms of how much time you'll grant an audience to a prospective client or customer before they must start putting coins into your parking meter. If you spend a week in conversations with a prospective client or customer about an engagement that would take less than a week...well, then you are operating at a loss. Learn how to draw the line and not step over it or make exceptions. Learn how to politely say that you are running late for your next appointment.

Respect yourself. Treat your time, knowledge and work product as extremely valuable. People will sense it and respect it. Master the role, and become the character - professionalism requires discipline, decisionmaking and occasional domination. Don't let a waster steal from you.

WEASELS

Weasels can only be subjectively defined on an individual basis. To sum up my feelings (I have feelings about everything - just can't help it) if your intuition and instincts tell you that a person or a company will be unhealthy for you, go with your gut. Your instinct and intuition represent your highest intelligence. Disobey tham at your own peril. Once you've played with a weasely client, you are going to have to disassociate (? hmmm) yourself as well as decontaminate yourself before other clients will be willing to work with you.

Clients From Hell: Bullies, Whiners Wasters and Weasels -- none is worth your time, your reputation, your self-respect and the satisfaction that comes from constructing and abiding by the rules of your own game.

Faithfully,

Douglas Castle


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