Dear Friends:
In this wonderful era of technological achievement, de-personalization, data mining and economic desperation, the safest business to be in is... Collections! That's right -- Collections. It is possible that the collections industry is growing even more neoplastically than the "corrections" business.
With so many generous, benevolent creditors (both private sector and governmental) being hoodwinked by "payment dodgers" [indecent, cantankerous folks who refuse to honor their fiscal commitments because of a lack of character...or perhaps due to a lack of a) a job or any income, b) health or healthcare insurance, c) any savings, retirement or pension funds, d) any tax refunds from a government which is issuing its creditors IOUs and insisting that its debtors pay it in cold currency, or e) the will to continue living], they need collectors to help them to stay in business. Do you have "the calling?"
The qualifications for the position of "Collector" are easily attainable with little education required. Here they are:
1. The knowledge that the only thing that matters is COLLECTING. That the end (getting paid) justifies whatever means are necessary.
2. The ability to phone persons at all hours. If possible, strive to either wake them from a sound sleep, or try to get them, dripping wet, from the shower to run to the phone, hopefully with the thought that it might be a call about a family emergency or a Lotto win.
3. The ability to ask any question, no matter how impertinent or rude, of anybody who owes money -- because a deliquent debtor has no rights. No right to privacy, no right to respite due to hardship, and no right to use profanity when a collection professional irritates the living crap out of him.
4. The ability to be persistent, and to fill any silence with a series of rhetorical (or even philosophical inquiries), often resulting in a rather humorous "Who's On First?"- type circuitous diologue, i.e.:
Collector: "Why haven't you paid us?"
Person: "Because I don't have a job."
Collector: "Why don't you have a job?"
Person: "Because they closed the factory where I worked."
Collector: "Well you must have some money. How come you manage to pay your phone bill?"
Person: "I can't pay it. My phone service is being turned off tomorrow."
Collector: "Well then you'll have more money so you can pay us."
Person: "But that's the point. I barely have enough money to feed my kids."
Collector: "Sir. Are you aware that this is a serious matter?"
Person: "Yes. I am. But I'm a single parent, out of work, with three children to care for."
Collector: "Who told you to have those children? Whose fault is that? If you sold them on eBay, you could get some funds to settle your debt to us."
(And it goes on).
5. The strength to deal with rejection, yelling and occasional death threats.
That's it. Of course, it helps to have a depraved indifference to the circumstances and sensibilities of others, and even to Humanity as a Whole, but that isn't completely necessary --unless, of course, you're aiming for a Supervisor's position.
Faithfully,
Douglas Castle
p.s. My best regards to the Sheriff of Nottingham.
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