Fun With Attorneys!

Fun With Attorneys!

Dear Friends:

As many of you know, I am a major advocate of the legal "profession." Lawyers are as pervasive in western society as dust mites, and, while they don't eat human skin (with the possible exception of a few who have become prosecutors), they always extort their pound of flesh. They make the law, they interpret the law, they change the law (flexibility is important where favoritism and injustice are concerned), they occasionally break the law (like that Watergate thing from sometime ago), and they like to name new diseases, protect your rights, defend your honor, collect substantial retainers, speak in riddles and circles, and pretty much run entire countries....sometimes into the ground.

When I've been sued, I have always lost more than I would otherwise have because of the additional attorney's fees required to help me in the dignified "losing process." When I've sued, I've yet to collect or recover sufficient damages to be able to cover the legal bill associated with the dignified "winning process."

If the legal profession were a stock, I might even sell it short. Then again, some of my friends are attorneys (a seeming oxymoron, I know), and I treasure their friendship as much as I try to ignore their counsel. I try to keep my conversations with them brief.

My friend Gabriel Siegel (who is a non-attorney, which by the Pauli Exclusion Principle [not really] makes him a victim, as are most non-attorneys) forwarded me some wonderful attorney jokes. I present them here, unedited, for your pleasure.

As a an old business acquaintance of mine once told me, "Before you do any kinda business, always, always, always, insult a competent attorney." This fellow left his employment with my company to become a speech writer for political aspirants. Go figure...

Faithfully,

Douglas Castle

Here they come:

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These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.  _____________________________________  ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. _____________________________________   ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? _____________________________________ And the best for last:   ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law   THINK ABOUT IT!  MOST MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE LAWYERS..... (I rest my case).

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